Anagnorisis

She gaped at the soft pillows for ten minutes. She would do that very often. She had never been able to fit very well into her surroundings but her cocoon protected her. She was principled, but often contemplated on the significance of principles in a world run by practicalities. She was a self-proclaimed atheist but was always afraid of a divinity cursing her for not believing in the truth of life, for that is what she had always been told; that the sole truth of life is the existence of one creator and protector. She knew that she hadn't

 been questioning the existence of ‘God’ since she had gained consciousness. She began to question it only when she read about it being questioned. That was when she began to question her own being. Was anything that she thought, felt or conceived, true or for that matter, original? She was not sure. She knew that she could never be sure.

‘God’ had deceived her innumerable times. He had made a dubious world of inequalities and injustice. Stability was subjective. The world would revolve, so they said that it revolved around the sun, no matter who lived or died. Was she living? She could feel herself stroking her own hair, rubbing her eyes, swallowing a splodge of saliva. She yearned to be caressed by a man, to be kissed by her mother and liked by her friends. ‘Who are these people?’ She wondered. Why did she care so much about them? Was it because she had been conditioned to care about them or were these desires and expectations so natural and intrinsic in human beings that every person would have them. A tear from her eye created a blotch on the white bed sheet as she pondered.

She liked to think. She believed that humanity would progress only by addressing problems and questions that have not been answered. She neither believed in science or religion. Either of them weren't reliable enough to answer questions. Any question whatsoever.  She believed in experiences; abstract but tangible emotions and experiences that stayed with a person above and beyond the realm of Theology or Facts. She was thinking when suddenly a peacock flew inside her room and asked her to climb on its back. There were three ballerinas who hopped in through the window to help her get up. The bird flew into the distant sky among the spongy clouds. She felt them. They felt like cotton candy. Suddenly, they turned pink and she bit into a cloud shaped like a strawberry. She was feeling better already. Biting into a pink cloud that tasted like candy did not seem odd to her. It was as if she did it every day.

 “Maybe I do this every day and don’t seem to recall it. Who knows?”

She saw the world beneath her feet and the view from the top did not seem as good as her ‘real-life’ experiences were. She found that strange. Yet, she wanted the peacock to keep flying and never get tired. Maybe tiredness was a mental illusion. It did not stop. It kept flying beyond the horizon over the vast, lime-green sky; out of the Earth’s atmosphere. She felt a gush of emotions. Maybe she would find out, this fine day what lay beyond the insignificant planet she inhabited. The peacock flew up and above the clouds with her dancing ceaselessly on top of it. She was so overjoyed that she slipped and fell down, with a thud. There was a dramatic stir and she closed her eyes, lying on the bed; forever. This was why she did not believe in science or religion. Only she could have explained what happened after she closed her eyes. It wasn't just spiritual, it was sublime.