The Essence

I keep wondering about it,
I keep pondering about the purpose of my existence,
The purpose of everything,
when all the petty things I get irked about,
seem meaningless,absolutely void of sense.
Laughter,happiness,joy,praise,glory,
all these mortal values,that will just be gone one day,
make me feel like I am worth it.
But their absence,is what makes me question,

their significance,my significance.
The world needs a contemplative person,
to dispute his bubble creations,
to have worthy remonstrances,
about the interim journey to the unknown.
Many have come and many die speculating,
about the 'purpose' ,but never fathom,
that everything doesn't have to have,a purpose.
Some tastes are just meant to be enjoyed,
without being slammed or critiqued,like that of life.

The Cemented Mask

I cover it up with a smile,
those shining pearly whites,
camouflaging the bursting embarrassment,
Which often transforms into bitter frustration,
sighting the cruel world,and it mercilessness,
the world which criticizes me ,
for not being able to comprehend,
the very nature of its emotions,
its personality,its persona,
when it doesn't even realize,
that actually,the people have got it all wrong.
It is entirely the other way round.
I may be at fault,but they are not perfect either.
My sheepishness,and the embarrassment,
transcends emotive borders,
and enters a depressive world,
to write,this soliloquy.

Absence

I woke up that morning to find the bed empty,
that is when I discovered that she had left.
She had left for God knows how long,
but the only thing I knew was that,
She's left,taking a part of me with her.
Absence makes the heart grow stronger,
But her absence made my heart weak,
knowing that my first and last succor,
during times of need had left,not forever,
but for what seemed like an eternity.
I was never cordial with her,
Nor did we share a blatant animosity,
but somewhere we knew that one needed the other.
Somewhere,somehow,somewhat abstract.
I knew that I could make myself used to it,
Used to the fact that another significant part of the puzzle,
had gone missing,and I just had to find a new one.
It is not very difficult for me,
to make peace with things being absent.
The difficulty comes ,
when I have to wallow in their absence.

The Butterfly

I used to look at the sun very often,
It's magnificent rays,
The limitless shine,the infinite glow.
The sun had dignity,it had courage,
to go beyond those horizons,
and show the world it's reality,
It's aura,the splendidness ,
It's unparalleled beauty,beyond anybody's comprehension.
 The world told me not to look at the sun for long,
It said I would squint and be blinded by the strength,
I was told not to dream of the impossible,the unconquerable,
Without once noticing my irrevocable fascination,
It marked boundaries,confines to my aspirations,
 And a constraint to separate reality from beautiful ambitions.
Ambitions,which would give me wings,
regardless of the encumbrance,
The burden,of worldly norms,
The fear of exile.
My ambitions were mercilessly trampled.
Lost,I began gazing at the moon,
The shining silver light,
gently patting even the tiniest of objects,
Not seeking meaningless boundaries,
Gave me inspiration,
A mellow feeling inside my heart,
Inspiration to grab my aspirations,
and give them life,and vitality.
But alas! I was encountered again,
by the confederacy of restrictions.
I was scolded now,for being fooled,
Fooled by the deceptive beauty,
of the moon,which would put one in a trance,
And disappear within the blink of an eye,
Not to be seen for almost an eternity.
But I did not stop dreaming,
and looked up into the sky,
to finally discover that it was endless.
It was infinite,vast,heavenly, unsurpassed,
Just like those dreams,
which I never stopped having,
and never will.
The butterfly had to break free,
from the cocoon one day
it did,and what a sight it was.

The Tongue

My world went awry for a while,

When I realised what I had just done,

or rather,

what 'it' had just done.

My mind blacked out for those few crucial moments,

When 'it' had all the control,

and I was left dangling like a puppet.

It went meandering out of the cave,

to establish a world of contradiction,

then ,stepping aside,

rather than defending me against the repercussions.

I caught the drift of my folly,

when I knew that it did not have a mind of its own,

but was a part of me,

a deep,involuntary aspect,

like an alter ego perhaps,

which resurfaced time and again,

to spice things up,

to see the look on my face,

in a grave crisis,

a crisis of the mind,body and soul.

A crisis of the being.

The crisis of being weak.

The realization that I was helpless,

and pitted against the world because of 'it'.

Retrospect

I want to rewind,
My life.My existence.
My mind.My soul.
My being.My purposes.
My decisions.
I want to relive,
My moments.My emotions.
My feelings.My sentiments.
My victories.My joy.
I need to erase,
My past.My tears.
My regrets.My disenchantment.
My malcontent.
I want to repeat,
My mistakes,
To learn a new lesson all over again.

The Invisible Shell

I curled up like a porcupine,
but the thorns weren't sharp enough,
To keep the world at bay,
I wondered,''Why won't they let me be?'',
Instead of shooting the constant pressures down my spine,
Why won't they live and let live?,
Instead of the other way round,
I never harmed a fly,
Just people's feelings,
Which don't really matter,
In the superficial world I live in,
Mine were crushed similarly,
By the sadists who call themselves people.
They were smashed like crystals by a person who hates beauty,
Like dreams by a ruthless society,
Like expectations by the universe.
They were crushed by the unconscious cruel mind of the peoples.

The Irony

It's funny how the most insignificant of things can affect a person so greatly,
So greatly that it ruins the happiness that comes knocking at one's door,
forever,without looking back even once,to see how rarely it comes to us,
when  we don't go crawling to it,or running after it.
It's sadly amusing how something which is actually pointless,
can become the whole purpose of our existence,
so much that our existence becomes pointless,
and we get trapped by the vicious circle of our feelings.
It is ironical how we keep running after happiness our whole lives,
but when happiness finally comes to us,
we find a reason to hide from it,
because of a threat,a threat to murder the joy,
the joy,the hope,the happiness which we may have in future.

Emotions

I was happy and content in my own world,

but they had to pull the wool over my eyes.

I did not see any rhyme or reason,justice or prejudice,

just those strings handled by them,reminding me,

that I was nothing but a puppet,

A puppet for life,for perpetuity,

with no way to escape,or get a hold of myself,

I could run as fast as I can,but they would surround me,

from each and every direction,

For which I could cry,because their wish was my command,

or laugh,like they wanted me to,

push myself over the edge,be insane,

Just like they had planned.

Forever?

I always wondered who my friends were,
I never even thought I had real friends,
Till I met them.
Were they just companions or  shoulders to lean on during hardships?
Or were they the persons whom I actually wanted to share myself with?
To me,my friends were the people who understood me,
Not fully,but to the extent that was enough.
They were judgmental,when they needed to be,
they were critical,when they wanted to be,
they were comforting,when I needed them to be.
I never needed to pretend to be something I was not,which made them precious little parts of my life,
Which I realized of late,when they weren't around me,
they were far away,
or rather,I was far away.
Too far away to know that I was capable of missing somebody so much


I always thought ught that we come to this world alone,and we have to leave it alone.So emotionally,we aren't actually attached to anybody.I was wrong.Like a lot of other times.I don't know if this was worth it,but the time I spent with my friends certainly was.

Illusion

I spend a lot of time being miserable these days,
So much that misery seems like an old friend,
An old,long-lost friend who refuses to leave my side now.
A friend,whose might remained a secret,
till I knew what she was capable of.
How do I know that it's a she?
I won't be ashamed to say it,but females are always trouble.
The loyalist leaves,and returns within the blink of an eye,
Leaving me to wonder ,
whether that blink of an eye was actually an eternity passed in celebration.

Reconciliation

I discovered,I discovered why I need to fit in,
I need to fit in not to get accepted,
but for me to accept myself,
To be part of a place which would judge me constantly,
And to know that I am worth it,
I need to accept myself,
I discovered,I discovered why I need to fit in,
Not to conform,but to harmonize,
to reconcile with my destiny,
To know that even if it doesn't matter what they say,
It matters when it comes to what they think,
I will be myself,
But first,I need to be someone else,
Just,to fit in.

Disappointment

The more I run away from it,
The more it runs after me,
The faster I run,
the faster it dawns upon me,
The faster it dawns upon me that I can run,I can hide but it will still catch me,
Run after me till my heart is ripped apart,
Till my soul is torn away,
Till my consciousness deserts me.
I cannot help but marvel at its strength,its vigour, its determination,
And wish that I'd have the same amount of courage,the charisma and the capability,
To run after what I wanted,what I needed,what I desired,
I wish I'd have the capability to withhold the passion I held not so long ago,
Not so long ago when I was determined,determined to have what I wanted,

Rather than accept what was given to me.

Freedom

I stood there.I just stood there,
Gazing every little thing and gauging the nothingness of it all,
They didn't stop it,but I did,I stopped breathing,
Constantly suffocated with the pressure of caring,
Caring about what they think,bothering about what they do,
Thinking about what they feel,
I freed myself,from those strangles of loneliness,
From the pangs of agony,
From the impenetrable,incessant mood swings,
I stopped being what I was and what I am not,
but can never be,
I ceased to think what they think,
I ceased to think what I need to be,
But rather,what I should be.

Rain

I stretched, and they stepped,

They stepped on my seething hand gently,like petite ballerinas

Doing their little routine,as if trying to cheer me up,

They did twists,turns and tired themselves,

Pouring ice cold water on a perennial brook of fire,

and putting it out,for a while,

They happily stomped on the ground making psychedelic patterns,

Making my soul mellow with sheer pleasure,
She dashed onto my feverish,pale face,
Giving me the best cure of all time,
She shook them with pleasing vivacity ,
That made one dance with joy and sheer rebellion,
Now if only she visited everyday,
Than once in a blue moon.

Mother

After many years I felt like getting lost in the comfort of her lap,

After  distancing myself for eons,I felt like getting lost in the fragrance of her bosom,

After scampering  hither and thither to strangers,I felt like coming back to her,

After staying awake forever,I felt like sleeping for an eternity,

Constantly running after solitude,I ended up smothering her with words,

After wallowing in annoyance,I prayed silently ,thanked God for her every word,

After dreaming about cornering the world,

I started revolving around her,

After swaying like a pendulum,

I became still,like a dream.

Past

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I gaze, as I pass by those familiar structures,
Those crowded, colloquial streets buzzing with life,
Those familiar faces, though pretentious, asking me to come back,
The delightfully dirty street food, asking me to savor it,
The slow, chaotic traffic movement, signaling the flow of my life,
The edifice of my existence which envisioned my growth,
The seasoned gust of wind, grasping me, holding me back,
The complacent breeze, which coiled me in the comfort of its lap,
The emotional remembrances making my existence stagnant,
The ray of hope, making itself stronger than any internal force,
Delving into those greasy pores of frustration, pushing me,
Begging me to take another step to happiness, another dive into delirium, another whirl to satisfaction.

A Loyal Companion

She stuck to the wall,like an unwanted cobweb,
tears welled up in her starry eyes like they were about to explode,
They flowed,unstoppable,inexplicable,unintelligible.
She did not know the reason,
for her sorry outburst,
Just the relief ,the comfort,the easement,
As if somebody was putting her to sleep with a soothing lullaby,
She lay cradled in the void,the nothingness,
that surrounded her life now.
But still,she felt comforted,that those auxiliary drops of relief were with her,
That they were the ones who would never desert her,
In those testing times of pain,
In those flashing moments of happiness,
During those wicked waitings and endurances.

A Tryst

I constantly fight a battle,
A battle with myself and the world around me,
I wonder, I wonder if I can ever run from those blows of ego,
Which constantly conspire to break me, to ruin me, to tear me apart?
I wonder, if I will ever be able to peep into my soul and tell myself,
That I am content and life is what it is meant to be.
I ask myself, as the world revolves around me,
If I am truly seeing those wheels within wheels,
Or is it just a figment of my florid imagination.
I flinch at myself, every time I yearn to win a losing battle.
I confront myself when I compete with the entire universe,
When the only person I should be competing with, is myself.

Random Stuff Out of Nowhere

Oh agony...thy name should have been loneliness,
She declared,
As she looked into the piercing silence,
Which shattered her peace of mind with every passing eternity,
She lay there, staring into oblivion unaware of the purpose of her existence,
The void eating into her lonely heart which longed for solace,
Which longed for happiness.
Her life was as still as the picture hung on the wall,
Though the thump of her heartbeat seemed like a clamor,
Which could not be silenced till it was stopped or destroyed or relived?

What Remained Old in a New School

I just got the results of my class 10th board exams.Even before I got promoted to 10th I knew that Arts was the stream I wanted to opt for in 11th std.For that,I needed to change schools.So I went to Sardar Patel Vidyalaya.I was mentally in SPV but physically in VVDAV.I had been studying in VVDAV since kindergarten.But I still thought transferring to another school will not be a big deal since I was a big girl now.But alas...my heart was where my future was not.I started missing all my friends immensely.Friends who knew what I was,who I was.Friends,who never judged me,but just accepted me for who I was and still am.Friends,who would tell me on my face that I was boring them and that I should change the topic before they slap me.Friends,who would text me at one'o clock in the morning asking me 'what's up?'.Friends,who blended so well in my life that they became a part of me.They were the ones responsible for coiling those strands of complacency around me so much that I started hoping for them to come and give me a high five even when I knew that I would never ever get to see them again.Even if I wanted to.So that is the reason why I became so uncomfortable in my new school which had better teachers,better infrastructure and a better reputation.I became uncomfortable and immensely quiet.It reminded me of the lull before a storm.I am still looking for that satisfaction,that happiness,that joy,that comfort and that sense of belongingness in Sardar Patel Vidyalaya.

Why Teenagers Go Ga-Ga Over the Twilight Saga

Most adults won't even know who Robert Pattinson is,unless they are parents of teenagers,especially teen girls.The popular series has teen girls(and some not-so-teen girls also)from around the world worshiping the delicious male vampire from the main plot-Edward Cullen.Girls know that the story is next to what you would call 'perfect fiction'but still can't stop dreaming.Why?Because reality doesn't have a man telling his lady love that "You are my life now" or saying that their lady love is the most beautiful woman in the world no matter how she looks or promising to love her everyday forever,and keeping that promise.All the Twilight fans I know have become disinterested in relationships because they are looking for their Edward Cullen or the equally popular Jacob.Women know that they don't make men like that anymore but want to get what they deserve and not what is thrust upon them.Sometimes by fate and sometimes by destiny.The saga gives them happiness when they think that some day they may find 'him' and there will be a voice inside their head telling them that no matter what happens,he will stick by their side and go to the end of the world for them.Swooning over the Twilight Saga is not stupidity,it is just an attempt to deviate from reality.I may be saying all this because I am an ardent devotee of Edward Cullen too or just because I don't want to stop daydreaming or just because I want to prove to all those disbelievers that the saga has not become a rage for some frivolous reason or......

Dear Reader

I am not a writer.My English Teacher was way too generous with me.I am just a hormonally-charged teenager who needs a medium to vent out her frustration.Maintaining written records daily in my personal diary was an extremely cumbersome process and having a digital diary was an extremely risky undertaking.So I decided to start writing a blog,which people may,or may not read.People whom I have never met,or talked to or heard about before.People who are not going to judge me by who I am,but by what I write.Strange,oblivious and obscure people who are just as bored and frustrated as I am.I am not looking to be an acclaimed writer through a trivial blog.I am just want to have a virtual medium to express who I am,who I want to be,what fascinates me,what annoys me,and most importantly,things that sadden me.Though watching 'Julie and Julia' does make me daydream.